DO IT SCARED (OR DON’T)

Explore the Complexity of Decision Making and How Random Events Shape Who We Are.

A year ago, I was too scared to have an internship in the architectural field. I didn't have the confidence I thought I needed to take that step.
Do it scared.

Eight months ago, I was too scared to do drugs at a sex club in Berlin, even though all my friends were doing it, and I felt like I was in a safe environment.
Do it scared.

Four months ago, I broke things off with a guy I loved because I was too scared to be in a relationship with no labels.
Do it scared.

Today, I intern at a forensic engineering firm, where I visit sites and discuss structural details with contractors. I will also be an associate at an architecture firm during my senior year of college.

I did it scared.

But I think about what life would be like if I did it earlier. What my perspective on the world would be if I knew what it felt like to be high in an oasis, or what it would feel like to text him every time I think about him, instead of having to push it down.

My quandaries will never be answered since that is not the reality I live in. Thankfully, I live in a reality where I know who I am, I understand what it means to be human, and I am a person filled with unconditional love.

The phrase “do it scared” does not have to apply to your life. It took me a while to realize that.

Life is good in the green zone. Life is good in moderation. Why Should You Not “Do It Scared”?

Because if I had worked an internship last summer, I wouldn't have had enough money to go to the sex club in Berlin. If I didn't go to the sex club in Berlin (and stay sober), I wouldn't have had enough confidence or security in myself to be vulnerable with another person and allow love to enter my life.

Life happens one step at a time. The first step may seem unusual, but it makes sense in the long run. I had intended to intern last summer, but ultimately didn’t follow through because I wanted to take two summer classes, work full-time as a waitress, and be a pet sitter. I needed to hustle. I needed to take physics that summer, so I also took Digital Communication. I stayed in Savannah and made probably $7,000 hustling while in school. It was hard, uncomfortable, and exhausting.

However, I studied abroad that fall, and I knew what I wanted to get out of that experience.

I spent three months in Europe, visiting 11 countries. During that time, I attended school for eight weeks and earned As in all my classes. My last stop during my European tour was Berlin. I was basically out of the money I had saved for the trip. I didn’t want to go to this club, but my friends were into it, so I put on a thick leather belt across my chest and tiny red leather shorts.

I soon learned that we are all the same.

I stayed completely sober that night. I got a Red Bull from the bar and made my way through the underground fortress, which was this club. I saw everything. I danced to techno at 3am surrounded by people who were basically naked. I was alone, but I never once felt like that.

My friends and I split up and did our own thing because we each wanted to have our own exceptional experience. We talked to beautiful people from all around the world. We were handing out compliments like candy and receiving even more.

I felt seen.

We found each other in the bathroom where the girls were sniffing powder off another person's stomach. It sounds so ratchet, but it all felt so kind. The bathroom was a single large room lined with stalls. There were no gender assignments. Just everyone hanging out together.

I sat on the sofa by the pool and spoke to others around me while watching the night unfold in front of me. That night, an accumulation of probably 1,000 people decided to put on their kinkiest outfits, turn in their phones, and stay awake until the sun came up.

It was chaotic and surreal—but it also showed me something profound: beneath all the layers—clothes, fear, ego, status—we are just people looking to connect, to be ourselves, to be free.

Currently, I am writing this while sitting in my cubicle at work, from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.

It feels wrong. It feels like that was another lifetime, another dimension. But it’s not.

The extreme contrast that experience offered to my life continues to teach me the meaning of living—the complexity of people’s storylines. It makes me think about all the unique sets and backdrops I’ve had and will have in the future. It teaches me that it doesn’t matter where you are, what you’re wearing, or who you’re with, because you will always be with yourself.

You will always have your own beautiful body and beautiful soul. And that is something we all have in common.

My first week back in Savannah after being gone for 5 months, I met a boy who was my new roommate’s friend. So now a mutual friend of mine. He was silly, handsome, and a little bit odd. He liked me, and as time went on, I began to like him too. I had never had an intimate relationship with anyone. I had never had sex with emotion, felt horny for a person, or craved the presence of someone in my soul the way I did with him. He was not perfect; in fact, he had many flaws and hardships that made him a very complicated person.

The old me would have immediately labeled him as “a fun fling” from the start. That is what I have done with every other relationship I have had prior. I never allowed myself to truly see where my heart could go. So with him, for the first time ever, I had no boundaries. I was my true, vulnerable self from the start. I was a person who wore my feelings and communicated my desires.

I had the most fun with him. I slept so well in his bed. I learned to be patient with him. But it still wasn’t enough to make me stay. I loved him, but it still wasn’t enough to make me feel secure.

He showed me how amazing a relationship could be, and so I wanted one. But I couldn’t wait for him to want one, too. I left him when I started feeling something so real that I couldn’t imagine he didn’t feel the same thing as me. He didn’t know or understand the indent his soul made in my heart. He couldn’t feel it either. He was still struggling. He hadn’t figured it out yet. He was barely surviving. Of course, he couldn’t feel it. There was no room in his body for me.

His heart was locked, and he was frantically searching for the key.

So then I felt heartbreak for the first time, too—unrequited love, one-sided weight.

Heartbreak is the most painful feeling I have ever experienced.
That is all I will say.

I had nothing to focus on other than my personal future. Because I knew I still had my beautiful body and my beautiful soul. I had to figure out how to give myself the love I craved, how to match the hole in my heart with something new, something that felt good. I became a Pinterest Creator, got super into it, attended an event in NYC, and was invited to join Amazon as an associate influencer. I'm now fully launching my personal brand, Life in the Day, which has been a dream of mine for a few years.

I have discovered how much I want to share my experiences, as my life over the past few years has been extreme in all regards. I am learning that I love storytelling. I love dissecting the past and reminiscing on events and feelings. I crave answers to everything. I decided my brand will be my outlet. My page will be the place where my questions get answered—and yours, too.

My philosophy of life will be featured on my page. I have felt pain and joy, yet still have no regrets. My bank account has been in the negatives, yet I remain filled with hope. People are dying, cities are being destroyed, and families torn apart. At the end of the day, we have to go to bed.

It’s hard to decide how to spend a day in this modern world of crisis. It’s hard to decide where you’ll be in two months in a world of war. It’s hardest to know who you are in a world of fake designers.

In navigating the complexities of life, I have learned that embracing vulnerability and allowing oneself to step outside of comfort zone—whether through unconventional experiences or meaningful relationships—can lead to profound personal growth and a deeper understanding of self. But there's a difference between stepping outside your comfort zone to grow and stepping so far outside that you lose touch with who you truly are. Do it scared, and don’t do it scared. Know the difference between being given an inch and taking a mile.

Ultimately, that’s what shapes a more authentic and fulfilling existence. So, let’s all try to live life one day at a time together. Live life every minute of the day.

Stay conscious.
Stay awake.